July 4th, 2007
July 1st, 2007
michael c wrote in my yearbook last month "don't sweat the stupid shit (college, boys, sports)"
i think i've been following that pretty well, and it's making me happier.
this disease has really changed my situations. my relationships. my ideas. my plans, most of all. my capabilities.
i've been mellow. i filled half a sketchbook in the last month. my clothing is looser, not just because ive lost a bunch of weight but because im not trying to impress anyone anymore.
went to a softball tournament this weekend, that was my life in the summers before now. it was exciting, exhausting, it made me so happy to see old friends and laugh. but it made me sad. what if i never play again? pitching is part of my identity, as much as i've struggled with it. something i thought about every day, and now it's just GONE. it opens up a lot too.
what do i do with this time? i've been productive these last few months of sickness. ive err..started a bunch of books. started the one-act, if i even ever finish it. painted. done a lot of thinking.
i'm so glad i haven't been depressed through all this. its so much nicer. i dont know why but i just havent had that on-again-off-again terrible sadness. maybe its the season. a few of my good friends have been flaky, so thats probably a good thing that i dont cry and think theyve abandoned me. but its not easy to be supportive, i'm realizing that as my friend emily goes through her odyssey. she had spinal surgery almost two weeks ago and i should go visit her. its so hard to get the energy and time to go to her house though... and get a care package together, and i don't want to see her weak. i really don't.
i'm glad i'm not dealing with sam this summer, or a boy, period. glad i'm not dealing with the eating thing. it's really nice to be happy even through the frustration and anger and disappointment of all this.
so that's what i've been thinking about. i'm so, so tired from being out all yesterday (couldn't get up the energy to go to the deyoung with mom and the twins though they have wheelchairs there), so i need to sleep a lot tonight. work tommorow at nine and i promised zach i'd see him after. at least he's driving so i wont have to walk/bus anywhere.
reminder to self: write more about danica.
October 23rd, 2006
turn off your mind, relax, and float downstream
photo by me
October 19th, 2006
October 17th, 2006
Quiero hacer contigo
Lo que primavera hace con los cerezos
image by me
"when the moon hits your eyes like a big pizza pie, that's amore."
October 16th, 2006
it will always make me feel better to know that we're under the same sky
photo by me